Lay Leader Reflections

Feeling the Feelings

Not gonna lie - I am experiencing all kinds of feelings this weekend. It’s been building for a few months. But yesterday, as I read the news of a lawsuit against our Conference, I could no longer hold it in. Real talk - I had just gotten my second Covid booster and was sitting in my car reading Twitter (as one does), and I desperately wanted to be unmoved by the story I was reading. Because that’s who I am right? Even-keeled, non-anxious Derrick. Then it happened - I just screamed. People looked and I wasn’t embarrassed because I was so overcome with anger at the way things have fallen a part. It is not often that I let my feeling show, but there I was grieving out loud for the loss of relationships that will occur regardless of what happens next. To be quite honest, even after a good night’s sleep and cup of coffee, I am still feeling those feelings. I am also drawing from the well of wisdom taught me by my elders in the faith: when we start feeling our feelings, we run to scripture, run to worship, run to prayer. That’s exactly what I did. 

I began reading this Sunday’s lectionary texts, thinking surely the Psalm text would calm me down. Then I read Psalm 52. I wasn’t expecting the text to articulate my anger the way it did. I found a similar energy in Amos 8. These words were holding the same depth of emotion that I was experiencing; reminding me that I was not alone in my anger, joining with prophets and kings who cried out to God in the midst of their circumstances. The words were not polished, they were honest and vulnerable. These Old Testament sages were essentially screaming out loud in their cars. I felt these passages deeply. 

Then I moved to the Gospel text which is the story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10. There’s a whole image of identifying with Martha; being busy and distracted, needing to choose the better part. But I was struck that, like Martha, I was crying out to God because I felt wronged by a sibling. If you have ever been angry with a family member, you know the complexity of it all. It is one thing to be angry at a nameless and faceless enemy; it’s a whole different thing to be angry with a sibling who shares your name and history. I read the story a few times and found that my anger was sitting next to a deep sadness. My screaming was mingled with disappointment. And all of a sudden, I found myself identifying with Mary - hearing my sibling articulate a similar degree of anger and disappointment at me. I was at a loss, and at the same time comforted that ours was not the first sibling disagreement within the family of Jesus.

In the mixture of emotions, I turned to the New Testament text where Paul reminds the Colossians of Jesus, who is “the image of the invisible God, who existed before all things and with whom all things are held together”. Jesus, the one who has the ability to “reconcile all things to himself,” including siblings in the midst of a decades-long rilvalry. I felt the call and question to consider what it means to be “mature in Christ” even as I process all of the emotions; to hold my anger, sadness, rage and disappointment as I remain on my journey of being made perfect in holy love. I found that the emotion of hope stubbornly co-exists with my anger and grief, to the point that I find myself singing with the Psalmist: 

I will give thanks to you, God, forever, because you have acted. In the presence of your faithful people, I will hope in your name because it’s so good. - Psalm 52:9 CEB

Don’t get me wrong - even after reading these texts, I am still feeling a lot of emotions. I am sure many reading this could say the same. Whether it is due to continued dysfunction within our UMC family, the constant cycle of news about our country, or more personal issues at home, we are all carrying a multitude of emotions. In processing these feelings, I am finding my strength and my sense of call for this moment. Of many things we need to do in this season as United Methodist lay leaders in Florida, modeling how to process our emotions with the tools of worship, scripture and prayer might be the most important contribution. This is how we, as Paul says, can be “a people who are holy, faultless, and without blame…remain[ing] well established and rooted in faith.” In the midst of our anger and grief, our sadness and rage, we can hold on to our hope in Christ and say with the Psalmist: “we trust in God’s faithful love forever and always.” May it be so. 

Derrick Scott III
Co-Lay Leader, Florida Conference